I asked you to ask me. Somebody decided to jump right in with a hard one (no pun intended). Sheesh. Here goes.
What’s your opinion on the role of sex in a relationship? I ask, because I think that you’re a romantic, and I think of myself as being one too. But somehow, it’s my experience that romantics have, well, kooky ideas about sex. –anonymous.
First, I need to say that while I certainly do my best to keep it real around here, my mother included this URL in her annual Christmas letter this year. This answer might be a bit watered down for your tastes, but I think you’ll understand.
Second, I need to confirm your suspicion. I am the textbook definition of a romantic.
Now, to the real answer:
I was raised Catholic.
I was raised on Disney movies.
I was raised in the Media Age.
So, you know, in one world, sex was forbidden, in one it was non-existent, and the last revolved around it.
My ideas are a little skewed, and I’m not sure exactly how you’d define kooky, but I’ll just say that my ideas were, for quite some time, undefined, and still are to an extent.
I’ve done a lot of steering clear of the whole situation in the past because I don’t like feeling like I don’t get something. If I don’t get it, I tend to pretend there’s nothing to get.
So I guess I’ve kind of gone the Disney route, where the ultimate expression of love is spinning around a library in a poofy yellow gown while a teapot sings a love song, or simply being kissed and brought back to life because some evil bitch poisoned you with a shiny red apple.
That’s the world I like to live in. I don’t necessarily believe in happily ever afters, but I will go on buying into the pretense that relationships don’t have to be complicated.
Sex complicates things.
Ultimately, and statistically speaking, it doesn’t matter whether you’re the kind of person who sleeps with a guy the first night you meet him or wait seven months or until you’re engaged or until you’re married — divorce doesn’t discriminate… but neither do happy marriages, it seems. Whatever happens, I think both people in the relationship really need to be on the same page as to how long they want to wait or if they’re going to wait at all and the reasons for waiting and whatnot. All those crazy emotional details that go into figuring each other out and deciding whether or not you want to be together next month or next year or for all eternity need to include figuring sex out.
Something I really like about the guy I’m dating right now (The Boy, obvs.) is that he is more open and unabashed about the subject than anyone I’ve ever known, in a dating relationship or in a friendship. I know what he’s thinking, and his openness is really encouraging me to work on being open and honest about the way I feel and the things I’ve experienced. He’s been incredibly understanding and patient with me.
I think that is romantic.
So… do I have kooky ideas about sex? Are you asking if I’m kinky? No. I don’t think so? Ugh, this question is uncomfortable! Are you asking if it’s a romantic thing for me? Yeah. It should be special. The end. No discussion needed. I mean, the whole thing does seem a little funny when you think about semantics (doesn’t it? come on.) but ultimately, I think, there has to be SO MUCH TRUST there, right? Emotionally and physically. And probably on levels I don’t even know exist. In that sense, it is incredibly romantic.
Yeah.
Hope I answered that question satisfactorily, but hey, feel free to ask for clarification in the comments.
As someone who has inadvertently participated in the sex, drugs, and rock’n'roll subcultures here in Los Angeles, I can reassure you that sex does indeed complicate things.
The only level you’re missing listing here is actually trust in yourself. A lot of people are able to engage in the sex culture because of a strong sense of self-awareness. Self-control aside, that is.