See, the thing is that I don’t feel like I can be honest here. I haven’t really written much worth reading, worth anybody saying, “Hooray for her! She’s not afraid to let it all out and be who she is, no matter who’s reading!” in a very, very, VERY long time.
But the real problem isn’t that I don’t feel like I can be honest here. The real problem is that I haven’t felt much that was worth being honest about.
So I’m throwing that feeling out. That feeling that says my life is supposed to be perfect and if it’s not I’m supposed to keep it from everyone. I don’t care if I don’t know you. I don’t care if you’re my aunt. This is MY blog and I’ll write what I want.
And the truth is that after four months at a job that I’m still completely thankful for, today I had a silly, messy breakdown, which left the guy I’m dating who I’m still not really calling my boyfriend even though we’ve only been seeing each other for, um, EIGHT months, let’s not talk about THAT right now, in a small fit of nervous laughter because when someone who is usually pretty chipper and happy answers the phone trying to suck up her tears and not doing a wonderful job of it, well, I suppose that could throw a person off.
I’ve been trying for days, maybe even weeks, to figure out why I don’t feel anything. For him or for… anything. He’s been very completely sweet to me lately and all I can think about is whether or not I should break up with him. And that’s what I’ve been focusing on because, well, let’s face it. This is a relationship, unofficial and undefined though it may be, and that means I have absolutely NO effing idea what’s going on. So I’ve been worrying and fretting and not calling, but he hasn’t been calling either, and I figure maybe since he isn’t even REALLY my boyfriend, maybe we can sort of just let things fizzle out and it doesn’t have to be anybody’s fault and I can call him in a month and be all, “Long time, no see, stranger! How ’bout we try being friends?”
But then I sat on my couch this morning, all morning and into the afternoon, and oh my god is it really 7:30 right now? And I watched movie after movie…. new DVDs of old movies I’ve always loved. My Fair Lady, with every other song something I sang in high school or wished I could sing on stage or stood in front of a mirror with a blanket wrapped around my waste like a poofy ball gown… and The Wizard of Oz, a movie so full of imagination and singing and color and everything I used to be.
Four months ago.
And I started thinking about the last time I pulled out my songwriting notebook, or really played my piano or touched that ukulele I was in such a hurry to get when I finally got that new job that would allow me to have these things that were supposed to make my way as a songwriter or a singer or a musician easier. And then I remembered every time in the past four months somebody has asked me when I was playing next, where I was playing, when I’d last written a song was. And I remember being irritated that they’d assume I’d be doing such frivolous things.
Who did I turn into?
I drove by the CMA festival twice this week because I work right next to the stadium at which it’s held. I didn’t buy tickets. I wasn’t interested. But the longer I had to stare at it and the more and more music I heard wafting all over downtown from this spot and that, I because angry with myself. This is who I used to be. This person who wanted to meet these people and hear their music and be inspired by it and strive for something.
What am I striving for?
I don’t know who I am.
He told me a long time ago that one of the best things about me was my sunny outlook on life. That with the exception of maybe one other person he’s ever known, I am the only person he’s known who is positive, optimistic, believes the best in people, believes in the future, isn’t afraid to dream.
That’s who I used to be. I know that girl. The girl sitting here writing this?
I don’t know.
Was I wrong to come here? Was I letting the twelve year old inside me make my decisions for me? If I didn’t, who was going to? If those dreams aren’t still my dreams, then I don’t know what dreams to have. If that’s not who I want to be, then I don’t know who I want to be.
This isn’t a quarter life crisis.
This is my dying a little inside.
I don’t know how to wake myself up. I’m too stubborn, and too smart to let go of what I currently have.
At least I feel enough now to know that letting Ryan fade away would be a pretty stupid thing to do. Anybody who’s willing to listen to me cry over this?
Well, that boy isn’t perfect. He’s far from it. But is there a such thing as perfect? I still have absolutely no effing clue what I’m doing, I don’t know what I want, I don’t know where I’m going…
But for right now, that job and that boy are mine. I’m not letting go until I find a better reason to than “I don’t know.”
I had a similar breakdown last fall, except that mine included 6 weeks of being virtually unable to get out of bed. I’m still not sure that I know what I want, but I definitely know who I am.
Stick it out, and know that other people have felt what you’ve felt. It will get better!
ooh, i hate that the monster of apathy and indecision has you in its grip. this too, shall pass, and you will come out of it with answers to all of those questions, or ideas about the answers, at least.
should you find the time to escape, i bet my mountains would prove a peaceful respite…
<3
sometimes, i think that real life has a real tendency to get in the way of what we want. and sometimes real life blinds us to those things. it’s not that they’re still not there, it’s that things got… different… for a while. and hey, maybe real life is about showing what we really want instead of what we thought we wanted.
however, i’m going to go out on a limb here and say that i think that real life has simply gotten in your way. i think that you still want all those things that were (are?) your dream. i really think you do. and i think that ryan just may be the ticket to seeing and remembering that and FEELING it again. even if it is this undefined relationship that confuses you. he still seems like a GREAT guy and one heck of a catch and i agree, you shouldn’t let him go if all you have is ‘i don’t know’.
what i KNOW for a fact, though, is that you’re going to get it all figured out. it may take weeks or months of thinking and processing or you may just wake up one day and it’s right there, THAT i don’t know, but i know you’ll figure it out, you’ll realize and remember what you want, and you’ll be BETTER for having gone through all of this.