The Things I Just Can't Handle

We sat on my couch and he said, “You’re going to be okay.”  I fought back tears.

I heard it again on the radio this morning.  It’s like it’s the only way God can get through to me.  The song came to “It’s all part of a grander plan…” and I lost it.  Completely lost it. 

I’m such a mess.  It’s ridiculous.  We used to have a joke in high school, which was funny mostly because it was true, about how seeing just a stupid orange extension cord would remind me of my exboyfriend.  yo know, when I think about angels I think about you?  Only less happy.  That’s how it is now.  White service vans.  Classic cars.  Hearing Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros on the radio.  Drinking anything from Starbucks.  Crashing in my old bed.  Crashing in my new bed.  My own couch.  My own kitchen.

We’ve been talking pretty regularly for the past month… it’s been a month since we broke up.  And I’ve been fine.  The one time I actually saw him was hard, but the talking hasn’t been.  The talking… it was just us. 

But he made me promises which he seems to think he’s keeping and I don’t agree.  Maybe I’m jealous, maybe I expect too much.  Maybe it’s just that he makes no sense.  None of it makes any logical sense.

Love isn’t logical, I know that.  He thinks it should be… but his excuses don’t equal logic.

Oh yeah, and have I mentioned?  I finally broke down and used the word love.

LOVE.

I love him.

And I was crying when I told him in some sort of desperate attempt to make him see that making time for some girl he barely even knows is not even close to as worthwhile as making time for me would have been. Romantic, right?

But it wasn’t a lie.

I love him.

And I can’t seem to figure out why he can’t love me.